Some peo­ple  are very lucky — their friends have babies more or less at the same time, and they sim­ply con­tinue to social­ize in the same group they always did, only now with kids instead of without.

If that is you — con­grat­u­la­tions, you just got your­self your very own playgroup!

But some­times it is not that easy to find or form a play­group. Your friends might have kids, but they are already in school-age. If you are one of the first in your cir­cle of friends to have a baby, you might find your­self very much alone in the new role as mother or father: by all means, stay in touch with your pre-baby friends and col­leagues, but it is unlikely that they will take a morn­ing off work every week to hang out with you and your baby. And it is even less likely that they will feel the need that you do to dis­cuss feed­ing, dia­pers and how to choose a booster seat.  If you have relo­cated after hav­ing a child and are new to the area you live in, the chal­lenge is of course similar.

In other words: you sim­ply might not know any­one your age in your area who stays at home with kids. As many play­groups are very infor­mal, they don’t exactly post ads in the paper about when they meet. The good news are that if you start look­ing, you will find what you need, because there are many other par­ents out there in the same sit­u­a­tion — and whom you have a lot to offer. You just have to find each other! Here are some online and offline tips that I hope you will find helpful.

1. Think through what would work best for your child. Your child first and fore­most needs play­mates more or less the same age. But even a child who is a year older or younger than your child may be a nice play­mate who can teach your child skills in asso­ci­at­ing with chil­dren out­side their com­fort zone. Your child might also have spe­cial needs, and for exam­ple need to meet chil­dren who also have a sim­i­lar chal­lenge. If you have sev­eral chil­dren, you might either want to find a group where sib­lings are also brought along — or should play­group time per­haps become some­thing you do only with your youngest, while the oth­ers are at school?

2. Think through what would work best for you. Remem­ber — play­group Mums should also be friends mate­r­ial, so that the play­group can become that sup­port group and sister/brotherhood  that YOU need and not only a place where your kid can play. And it should be for the long-term. So, what kind of other Mums or Dads do you want to make friends with? Are you a sin­gle par­ent, and would it feel very impor­tant to team up with oth­ers in the same sit­u­a­tion? Would you like to get to know other stay-at-home Mums ? Or Mums who com­bine a career and kids? Per­haps you speak a sec­ond lan­guage and would like to have a play­group in which you can prac­tice that lan­guage? Or per­haps you would feel most com­fort­able with moth­ers who are active in church or with a par­tic­u­lar polit­i­cal affil­i­a­tion? One you know what you are look­ing for, it is eas­ier to find the right group to join or the right peo­ple to form a group with.

3. Start ask­ing around. Word-of-mouth are surely the best ways to find oth­ers in the same sit­u­a­tion, or exist­ing play­groups. So start by ask­ing your friends, neigh­bors and col­leagues if they have peo­ple in their social net­work who recently have had a baby. If you went to a par­ent­ing class dur­ing preg­nancy, and you liked the peo­ple you got to know there, I am sure you already have a few num­bers to call. Are you the par­ent of a school-aged child as well? If so, ask the moms of your child’s class­mates for play­group sug­ges­tions. If your child is in day­care, make an effort to strike up con­ver­sa­tion with other par­ents when bring­ing or pick­ing up your child, and ask if they are inter­ested in meet­ing up or if they are in a fun play­group. Don’t for­get your pedi­a­tri­cian — he or she meets many moth­ers in your area and could help con­nect­ing you to an exist­ing group or to other moth­ers.  And why not get your spouse to ask about play­groups to co-workers in case some have spouses and chil­dren at home?

4. Check out the bul­letin boards at shops in your neigh­bor­hood, par­tic­u­larly those where par­ents may shop. The gro­cery store is an obvi­ous one, but also keep an eye out for fly­ers in for exam­ple mater­nity shops, children’s cloth­ing stores, toy stores,  the post offices and the local library. The library — or the museum — might also organ­ise story-telling time and crafts activ­i­ties for small kids, where you can go and meet other par­ents and kids. If you are a mem­ber of a church, they surely do the same.

5. Check online direc­to­ries. You can of course sim­ply Google for a play­group in your area. There are also great web­sites ded­i­cated to play­groups and includ­ing play­group loca­tors, such as www.mommyandme.com,but you would have to find one that focuses on your coun­try.  If, as me, you live in Europe, you will find that many of these sites cater to the US. A great gen­eral tip is to look at meetup.com — many groups for par­ents and kids are listed there, and you will auto­mat­i­cally be pro­posed a group which is in your area.

6. Don’t just jump in — feel your way first. So if you go for an estab­lished play­group, call up the play­group leader first. Explain openly what kind of play­group you are look­ing for and don’t be shy to ask as many ques­tions on the phone that come to mind before you decide whether or not this seems to be for you. It is also wise to first ask to come once as a guest, and just check it out and see if you feel com­fort­able. Ask a friend to go with you — even if she is not inter­ested in join­ing a play­group, at least you won’t feel all alone dur­ing this first visit, and two pairs of ears and eyes always see more than one.  Once there, lis­ten more than you speak and remem­ber that although I am sure you are a super-nice and socia­ble per­son, adults take a long time to warm up to each other. We feel our lives are already so busy, we don’t have time for more friends! Also be tol­er­ant of the other chil­dren as well as your own child. Your child will likely cling to you dur­ing the first visit — don’t push him to join the other chil­dren if he feels more com­fort­able with you. Sim­ply go with him to the play­room to select a few toys to play with near you.

If you decide to join, great! You and your child are in for a lot of fun. If you decide that this group is not for you, make a polite excuse and get out of there! That next play­group may be just the one you will want to join instead.

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