Some people are very lucky — their friends have babies more or less at the same time, and they simply continue to socialize in the same group they always did, only now with kids instead of without.
If that is you — congratulations, you just got yourself your very own playgroup!
But sometimes it is not that easy to find or form a playgroup. Your friends might have kids, but they are already in school-age. If you are one of the first in your circle of friends to have a baby, you might find yourself very much alone in the new role as mother or father: by all means, stay in touch with your pre-baby friends and colleagues, but it is unlikely that they will take a morning off work every week to hang out with you and your baby. And it is even less likely that they will feel the need that you do to discuss feeding, diapers and how to choose a booster seat. If you have relocated after having a child and are new to the area you live in, the challenge is of course similar.
In other words: you simply might not know anyone your age in your area who stays at home with kids. As many playgroups are very informal, they don’t exactly post ads in the paper about when they meet. The good news are that if you start looking, you will find what you need, because there are many other parents out there in the same situation — and whom you have a lot to offer. You just have to find each other! Here are some online and offline tips that I hope you will find helpful.
1. Think through what would work best for your child. Your child first and foremost needs playmates more or less the same age. But even a child who is a year older or younger than your child may be a nice playmate who can teach your child skills in associating with children outside their comfort zone. Your child might also have special needs, and for example need to meet children who also have a similar challenge. If you have several children, you might either want to find a group where siblings are also brought along — or should playgroup time perhaps become something you do only with your youngest, while the others are at school?
2. Think through what would work best for you. Remember — playgroup Mums should also be friends material, so that the playgroup can become that support group and sister/brotherhood that YOU need and not only a place where your kid can play. And it should be for the long-term. So, what kind of other Mums or Dads do you want to make friends with? Are you a single parent, and would it feel very important to team up with others in the same situation? Would you like to get to know other stay-at-home Mums ? Or Mums who combine a career and kids? Perhaps you speak a second language and would like to have a playgroup in which you can practice that language? Or perhaps you would feel most comfortable with mothers who are active in church or with a particular political affiliation? One you know what you are looking for, it is easier to find the right group to join or the right people to form a group with.
3. Start asking around. Word-of-mouth are surely the best ways to find others in the same situation, or existing playgroups. So start by asking your friends, neighbors and colleagues if they have people in their social network who recently have had a baby. If you went to a parenting class during pregnancy, and you liked the people you got to know there, I am sure you already have a few numbers to call. Are you the parent of a school-aged child as well? If so, ask the moms of your child’s classmates for playgroup suggestions. If your child is in daycare, make an effort to strike up conversation with other parents when bringing or picking up your child, and ask if they are interested in meeting up or if they are in a fun playgroup. Don’t forget your pediatrician — he or she meets many mothers in your area and could help connecting you to an existing group or to other mothers. And why not get your spouse to ask about playgroups to co-workers in case some have spouses and children at home?
4. Check out the bulletin boards at shops in your neighborhood, particularly those where parents may shop. The grocery store is an obvious one, but also keep an eye out for flyers in for example maternity shops, children’s clothing stores, toy stores, the post offices and the local library. The library — or the museum — might also organise story-telling time and crafts activities for small kids, where you can go and meet other parents and kids. If you are a member of a church, they surely do the same.
5. Check online directories. You can of course simply Google for a playgroup in your area. There are also great websites dedicated to playgroups and including playgroup locators, such as www.mommyandme.com,but you would have to find one that focuses on your country. If, as me, you live in Europe, you will find that many of these sites cater to the US. A great general tip is to look at meetup.com — many groups for parents and kids are listed there, and you will automatically be proposed a group which is in your area.
6. Don’t just jump in — feel your way first. So if you go for an established playgroup, call up the playgroup leader first. Explain openly what kind of playgroup you are looking for and don’t be shy to ask as many questions on the phone that come to mind before you decide whether or not this seems to be for you. It is also wise to first ask to come once as a guest, and just check it out and see if you feel comfortable. Ask a friend to go with you — even if she is not interested in joining a playgroup, at least you won’t feel all alone during this first visit, and two pairs of ears and eyes always see more than one. Once there, listen more than you speak and remember that although I am sure you are a super-nice and sociable person, adults take a long time to warm up to each other. We feel our lives are already so busy, we don’t have time for more friends! Also be tolerant of the other children as well as your own child. Your child will likely cling to you during the first visit — don’t push him to join the other children if he feels more comfortable with you. Simply go with him to the playroom to select a few toys to play with near you.
If you decide to join, great! You and your child are in for a lot of fun. If you decide that this group is not for you, make a polite excuse and get out of there! That next playgroup may be just the one you will want to join instead.
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Playgroup planning should start already before the litte ones have arrived! For me, it felt completely natural to stay in touch with the other parents in my prenatal/birth class, that I and husband followed during the pregnancy. After our babies were born, we got together to see who had been hiding there inside each of our bellies, and to share experiences.
test pilots? Of course it needs to be parents with small kids, who like to drink tea and coffee, and who preferably are members a group that meets up anyway, so I can benefit from connecting with several people being in the same place at one time.
In many playgroups, the members simply take turns hosting the playgroup in their own homes. Which is not only an afforable but also very warm and friendly way to organise a suitable venue. But especially if the playgroup is organised in a home environment, it is useful to agree on some Ground Rules and take some simple measures, to keep it safe for everybody and avoid unnecessary damage to your belongings. Because as much as your home probably is adapted to the life of one toddler or two, it is quite different to have perhaps as many as ten running around.